Internal Family Systems: Your guide outside of session
*Check out my Internal Family Systems page if you have never heard of IFS before. Below is for beginners on up but does not explain all the basics of IFS.
Whether IFS is your new daily spiritual practice, your daily meditation, or how you know you can heal, it is doable for everyone to learn and practice on their own - talk with your therapist first! We sometimes need to depend on our therapist’s Self before our inner world feels safe enough to depend on our own. Here is your guide to IFS outside of session:
Let’s start with basics
At this point, hopefully we’ve all seen the first Inside Out movie. If not, go watch it then come back! This is a great starting point to understanding what IFS is. IFS is not just some imaginative thing. The parts inside of us are real and the work we can do with them is lasting, powerful, and life-changing. Here is a quick recap of parts:
Exiles: Exiled, pushed down, ignored, unacknowledged
Protectors: Are put into two categories (managers and firefighters).
Managers: We usually don’t bring our problems to therapy (“I was unloved”). We usually bring symptoms (“My marriage sucks”). Managers are aware of and react to these symptoms. Their beliefs and actions are usually them doing the best they can to protect against the symptoms. The most important thing you should know about managers is they prevent the pain. It’s a big sacrifice to prevent pain! They usually take the bullets for the exiles and lose trust in You (Self) because they are overworked, exhausted, and unappreciated.
Firefighters: Once the wound has been triggered, firefighters activate. They are different than managers in that they stop the pain. These parts are usually loaded in shame. They really just want the pain to stop — whether they cause panic attacks, have suicidal ideation, etc., they really just want the pain to end. I love firefighters because they are attentive and sweet. We never want to shut down their behavior. Instead, we want to heal the wound their beliefs are tied to.
What’s the big deal?
It is common to hear clients at the beginning of our work together ask “What is wrong with me?” and say things like “I don’t know how to stop _____” and “I hate that I _____”. It isn’t a sickness or problem you have. It’s called Polarization. Now, every therapist will have a different way of thinking (conceptualization) around diagnosing. For me, a diagnosis is a good description of what is going on for a loud protector part. Everything I learned in my psychopharmacology courses will help me see the parts of you that are loud and protective but it won’t help me see what is really going on (I talk more about this in Process vs. Content).
So let’s talk about Polarization. Richard Schwartz (IFS Founder) describes polarization in an analogy of a boat. If we are on a boat in the middle of the sea during a big storm, we’re going to be on edge. If the boat is not stable, we’re all going to run to different sides and corners of the boat to try to stabilize it. But really, the safest and most stable place we can be is in the middle, together.
Polarization is when the parts of us are at war, disagree, or are teamed up together (blended). They take extreme positions to do what they think is best for you. The problems with this are most parts are not updated on the current You and the resources and beliefs the parts hold are usually from past trauma and unhelpful for the present. This can look like panic attacks, a partner incorrectly interpreting behavior of the other partner, abuse, and more.
If we were an island, it would still be complicated because there are so many parts within us. But we’re not an island and family systems, marriage, and children (plus the many parts they all have) can make life and family feel too complicated. I argue that systems (families and relationships) are calming, connective, and simple at their core. It is burdened parts and polarization that create the complication. But parts have their reasons for being how they are — and the reasons always make sense.
Simple ways to practice IFS outside of session:
I want to provide two quick ways to sit with parts. If you’re here, you probably already know a little about IFS so we will keep this simple and doable.
This first exercise is an easy way to access a part of you that you are aware of but you have never directly acknowledged before. Sometimes, it’s being unacknowledged that causes a lot of reactivity for parts.
Transcript for sensitive viewers:
Focus on this feeling. Maybe it’s loud today or maybe it feels extra tight or big. What comes up for you? Any thoughts? And physical sensations (tight lungs, increased palpitations)? Go to that part of your body and be present. Is there a shape or color that you see? If you don’t see anything, how are you experiencing being closer to the reactive part? What does this part hold on to? What is it protecting? Let it know that you see it. Let it know you are sorry you did not come sooner but that you have the ability to be there for it now. Give it some appreciation for what it is doing for you. Promise it you will bring it to therapy soon and help it with whatever it needs.
2. This second exercise is for when you are feeling overwhelm. Overwhelm is usually referring to panic, anxiety, intense depression, etc. This is to be used after you have gotten to know your system in therapy and there is some trust.
Remember, if you are feeling suicidal to call 988 and schedule a session with your therapist. IFS therapists are trained to unburden the pain so that these parts can find roles that they want to have.
Transcript for sensitive viewers:
First be aware of what feels overwhelmed right now. Is it panic about distance from a child? Is it feelings of not being good enough? Find this part. Is it close to your heart? Is it protecting your throat? Let this part know you are here. Ask it to take a step back because you want to see it better and help it. If it stepped back, thank it and let it know you will take it to therapy. If it didn't step back, reassure it that you can handle the pain. Reassure it that you know how to heal. Make sure it has its needs met. Does it need warmth? Does it need to be someplace happier? Take it to therapy.
What does Self-led really mean?
It’s a myth in our society that health looks like happiness, toned muscles, good finances, and romance. That’s all a bunch of bullshit. Shit is going to hit the fan in the years, days, and micro-seconds of our lives. Being in Self does not mean you have it all together, you're thriving, and you're driven.
Being Self-led means you are orchestrating/coordinating your parts. For example, past trauma has taught me to be extra mindful in crowded places. I have a part of me that will be on-edge. It might not smile at everyone that smiles at me. It might tell my child, for the eighteenth time, to get back on the damn shopping cart. It knows kidnapping is real. If I am not Self-led, I will be blended with this part and be all in on micromanaging, snapping at my kids, and believing everyone around me is a criminal. But, if I’m Self-led, I orchestrate this part to be there. I am me, not the part. I may orchestrate other parts to be there as well like the part of me that really understands my kids and their points of view or the part of me that is focused on finances.
Remember: if you are feeling bad about how you are feeling or what you are doing, reactivity will increase. Keep in mind that feeling bad about how you are feeling or what you are doing is a part. Ask it to step back so you can be Self-led and promise it you will help it later. These parts make so much sense! We want them AND we (Self) are the caregivers to our system, not these parts. They deserve to be taken care of and no longer parentified.
Services Offered with Katherine Linscott, LMFT
Are you a mother heading toward an empty nest? Are you already in an empty nest and figuring out new dynamics with your adult children? Therapy with Katherine Linscott, LMFT can help you work toward finding your identity and purpose outside of caregiving. I provide Grief Therapy for those experiencing perimenopause, distance from partner or children, and loss of Self. I also provide Therapy for Women for women 45+ who struggle with purpose, burnout, perimenopause, and stress of feeling unappreciated. For more about me, check out my About Page, Blog, or Homepage.