Why Internal Family Systems?
“You are the one you’ve been waiting for.”
You deserve to understand your inner world.
In 2017, I took an Intro to MFT class in my undergrad. At that point, I had only been to therapy one time so I had almost no idea about theories, end goals, and rapport with the therapist. I started out hating Intro to MFT because I had a voice in the back of my mind that kept saying “I don’t think the same way these theories want me to think. Should I not be a therapist?” I wanted life to feel more chewable for people and myself. I wanted to see others and myself with compassion and clarity, not force myself to think differently.
Finally, finally, toward the end of the semester, we learned about IFS and its founder, Richard Schwartz. I will always be grateful to Richard for paving a road that I immediately jumped on and have been walking since. IFS is different from most theories.
Rather than softening the trauma, IFS goes to the trauma so you can see it, love it, and heal it completely.
Rather than rigorously challenging anxiety, IFS loves the anxiety like a child, releases it, and gives it a more appropriate role to play.
Rather than saying “You’ll have to learn to live with the depression”, IFS helps depression trust you.
Rather than forcing you to think differently, IFS allows you to understand your narratives, love them, and update them.
IFS connects you to your Self, emotions, and more.
Sometimes it’s helpful to understand that some theories were influences by their time. Many theories focus on shutting down “undesirable” behavior by training your thoughts to be different or training the story you tell yourself to be different. Many theories are based on “talk-therapy” which seem to be the traditional sitting in a chair answering the questions your therapist asks. While this may work for some people, I believe people should be honored for their trauma and I never felt like I could honor someone when I viewed their behavior and thoughts as something to get rid of.
IFS is called an experiential theory. IFS focuses on the deepest part of us — emotions — and relies on us actually experiencing change in session to promote change wherever we are. I’ll get more into what is looks like below!
Process versus Content.
Okay, last thought and then we’ll get into what IFS is and what it can do! Our society is overly focused on content: appearances, billboards, advertising, “did you hear what she said?”, “did you see what she did?”, “I can’t believe my mother would do that”, skin color, money, and the list goes on. We are so focused on content that we forget there is a process to everything.
To explain what process vs. content is, I like to share a personal story. I call it “The Chihuahua & The Hedgehog.” When my first child was a baby and I was 8 months pregnant, we moved. It was a hard move and there was no one there to assist us. My partner had to move everything from the moving truck to storage and we lived in an Airbnb. Unfortunately, this Airbnb didn’t accept dogs. My grandma consented to letting my Chihuahua, Maggie, live with her for a minute. We drove the two hours to get to grandma’s house. I gave my grandma strict instructions that Maggie had a pink hedgehog that looked like trash. I told her, under no circumstances, should Hedgehog be thrown away. I explained that Maggie would get depressed if Hedgehog got stuck under the fridge. As you can imagine, I picked Maggie up a month or so later, and Hedgehog was nowhere to be seen. I played dumb at first and asked “Grandma, I’m packing up Maggie’s things. Where is her hedgehog?” My grandma looked me in the eyes and said, “I threw that
thing out day one.” I must have made a face because she added, “Did you want your dog to choke to death?” My partner and I left depressed. I’m not kidding when I say I grieve Hedgehog to this day. Content would say, “It was a toy. Get over it.” But process knows there’s something deeper. Process knows Hedgehog became a healing ritual to play with Maggie when we were childless and went through a particularly traumatic event. Process would say, “Your grandma threw away your ritual! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry for your grief!”
There are a few times I see process in society: when people explain the thrill they got when they skied down a mountain, when people are honestly sharing how hard care-giving is, and when children are playing together. Process is a beautiful way to see people for who they truly are. It allows us to thrive in curiosity, see compassionately, and answer with calmness. When we live in process, many symptoms vanish. When we focus on our own process, we re-introduce trust to our inner worlds.
What does IFS look like?
In IFS, we use “parts language”. This is where we say “A part of you feels frustrated with your partner” rather than “You are frustrated”. The reasons we use this language are 1) it’s truth and 2) it immediately creates more safety to look at these symptoms and go there. In IFS, there is no such thing as a bad part, a bad attitude, a bad thought. ALL of you makes sense. We will waste no time in wondering why you’re thinking and acting like this. We will accept it, undiagnose it, and go to these parts. There’s only one reason why we’ll go to these parts: to advocate for them. You’d think it would be to change them but wanting to change someone is labeling them with our own point of view. It isn’t helpful and it can be damaging to the point that cutoff is necessary. When we advocate for others and these parts, we show them they can trust us. When trust enters the door, reactivity (aka symptoms) go out the door. Without the burden, the parts will want to change on their own and they will trust you to help them achieve that.
There are three main things we focus on in IFS: Exiles, Protectors, and You (Self). We start with Protectors because the Protectors are what brought you into therapy. They are the ones that feel worn out, unappreciated, used, frustrated, suicidal, and everything else. They are the ones that are medicated, worn thin, hopeless, and want you to take a break. They use people-pleasing, critiquing you, shame, keeping the house clean, and other methods to keep you functioning. They usually don’t trust us because why should they? We have focused on content and symptoms for so long that they feel unseen, pathologized, and hideous. In reality, these are young parts that had to protect you from trauma in your childhood, first marriage, child loss, sleepless nights, etc. They deserve a gold medal. They deserve honor for what they have got us through. And they deserve rest.
Exiles are the vulnerable parts of you that were wounded. They were once our curious and adventurous child parts that learned shutting down, playing it safe, and submitting were the safest things to do. They are hidden under layers and layers of protectors. We most likely won’t see them for a while but we’ll get there.
Self is YOU. Did you know you aren’t an emotional bitch? You don’t nag? (Nag is a sexist word, by the way, that focuses on content rather than what is actually going on). You aren’t controlling? Maybe these are the incredibly smart ways your Protectors have tried to keep you functioning but they are not you. Self is unhurt, untouchable, knows all, and knows how to heal the system. Self is also buried by layers and layers of Protectors that resent you for not being there when they were children. Protectors do not understand that you were also a child but, now that you have the mind and body to know what to do and hold any burden, the Protectors will begin to trust Self again. Self is calm, curious, compassionate, has clarity, is courageous, confident, connected, and creative. With Self comes presence, patience, perspective, persistence, and, my favorite, playfulness. Did you know this is who you truly are? (Diagram to the right was created by Dr. Laura L. Walsh).
What can IFS do?
The goal of IFS is to help Self (You) lead. You are probably used to parts leading you. Maybe it’s your critic that currently leads you. It keeps you awake until two in the morning reminding you how horrible you are and why no one likes you. Or maybe it’s your people-pleasing part that feels constant anxiety about your relationships. The idea of parts leading us is called blending. Blending feels exactly how it sounds — a part is overwhelming You, it’s taking charge. In therapy, once we have befriended these Protectors, we can ask them to step back. Some have described it as Self feels buried under a pile of sand and each particle of sand is a Protector. This can make it sound like too much! But once one Protector experiences this, the others are lined up and eager to taste it too. Once Self is leading again, parts trust You and it will be those attributes that are truly You (calm, curious, compassion, clarity, courageous, confident, connection, and creativity) that will lead your life, decisions, relationships, and connection to your own body.
After reading all this, I feel guilty. Was I a bad mom?
One of the most rewarding things about working with caregivers is that they are so aware of other people. It is refreshing, safe, and invigorating. Sometimes, though, having the power to be aware of others is like a curse. Especially after you have worked so hard taking care of other people, the guilt can drown you. I want to reassure you that you are not the first caregiver that has turned red in the face, fidgeted with your purse, and admitted that you did things as a caregiver that maybe hurt your child’s parts. And you are not the first I have related to in that way. I also have done things as a parent that hurt my child. This is part of mammals. Otters discipline their babies too. Orangutans get so worn out they push their children away just to have two minutes alone too. Whales get annoyed with their babies too. It would be easier to be a shark or a crocodile caregiver — 1) because they don’t know what guilt is even when they leave their babies immediately after birth and 2) they don’t have to hear later on how their parenting choices affected their babies.
You did the best you could with what you had in the moment. We won’t be able to change your partner or your children. We won’t even be able to change their point of view. But we can make all the difference for you. In therapy, we’ll take time to go to the parts of you frozen in caregiving. We’ll free her and take her to Hawaii. We’ll reassure her she did her best. And, maybe most importantly, we’ll update her that the human brain is plastic. Even if it was hurt before, it can be healed and function. Her children are going to be just fine.