You have two choices…

What makes perimenopause so hard? The symptoms? NO. The emotions? NO. Peer-reviewed (that’s super important) articles have thoroughly researched the roles males and females play in relationships. Did you know females are required to grow up? That same is not true for men. Men utilize their wife’s skills around emotions to make it through life. THIS MAKES PERIMENOPAUSE HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE. I talk more about this below but it is time for you to be the caregiver. Your spouse needs you to step up and grow up. You can be in charge of your emotions. You can be in charge of initiating household chores. You can be in charge of emotionally connective romance. Divorce is a common story during perimenopause but it doesn’t have to be.

You most likely have heard of the knight in shining armor. He was always the hero, always in shape, and always saving the day. There’s a big stigma in society that men should be this. Always in action, always knowing what to do, and always fixing the problem of dragon infestations, evil stepmothers, and more! (By now, you probably know being the “fixer” has not fixed anything. And if you haven’t learned that yet, let me be the first to introduce you to the idea that fixing fixes next to nothing in relationships.)

You’ve also most likely heard of the evil villain. Throughout the 1900s, villains were usually in the form of a middle-aged woman. I’m thinking of three off the top of my head: Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty, The Evil Queen in Snow White, and Lady Tremaine in Cinderella. I remember thinking these women were freaky. They had only hatred in their hearts and longed to get revenge or ruin the preppy, young princesses. Is it coincidence that these villains were in their middle-age? Probably not. Did the Brothers Grimm have something against that population? Most likely. Still to this day, we long to silence this population because it’s easier to not have to worry and be anxious about what the hell is going on with these women we’ve lived with for so long. We thought we married Snow White but suddenly we’re married to what feels like The Evil Queen and wonder when it all fell apart. What do we do when perimenopause hits? What do we do when our partner is crying and waking us up in the middle of the night?

As partners, we always have two choices: to fix or listen. Sometimes, our significant other does need us to help fix something. But usually, our partners really just need to be listened to. Let’s face it: listening sucks. It forces us to face our emotions, be emotionally intelligent, and really be in tune with our partner. If you are like most male partners I met with in couple therapy, you were not conditioned to do any of this. You were conditioned to push your emotions down hard and be tough and “manly”. Unfortunately, pushing emotions down is not manly. It’s opposite. Men are very emotionally connected to things. You wanna talk about sex? Let’s use it as an example: men are emotionally connected to sex unlike women. For women, sex is about connection, yes, but if you had dozens of ways to feel pleasure and had the only human part made for pleasure, would you be too emotionally attached to sex? No. But for men, the story is different. Men feel loved, reassured, and connected in sex. It is a form of release since they shove emotions down and cannot have emotional releases. When perimenopause hits and sex goes out the window like a torpedo, men can panic. Let’s not let your insecurities or pre-conceived notions get in the way! Let’s not waste time judging or hiding from our significant others! I’m here to help you too. I’m here to help you become an ally because being an ally will improve the love and, most importantly, it will improve her comfort and pain levels during this stage in life. You are the secret to connection now! Don’t keep putting connection and emotional regulation on her! Here are some resources:

Resources

• Go give her an orgasm and make sure you don’t forget the clitoris! This is the only human organ made purely for pleasure! Every orgasm is a clitoral orgasm because the clitoris surrounds the vagina. Become a learner of the Clitoris and Her queendom!! (This resource is first for a reason)

• Focus on Process, not Content in your interactions with your spouse! Process is what is really going on while Content is what you see, how you interpret her behavior, and the facts. By focusing on the process, you will be able to stay calm and meet her needs. Focusing on content usually sounds like a judgement and will escalate tension. You can find many great videos about Process vs. Content created by professionals. Also read here to learn more about this.

• Think of fun date nights that she doesn’t have to plan. Paint a picture of each other, go to the spa, make a fun dessert, try out a couple’s conversation deck, play charades, or give her a massage.

• Initiate a night where you discuss household chores and who will be in charge of what. Fair Play is an awesome deck of cards to start with. Let’s face it: your spouse most likely has taken the brunt of household chores. Change that and change your romance for the better!

• Plan a night where you talk only emotions. Let her share the worst parts of perimenopause. Really listen and be in tune with what’s coming up for you. Having trouble? Set up a therapy session to learn how to be more emotionally intelligent!