How to grieve: Your guide outside of session
I am going to make a bold claim: grief is the most misunderstood phenomenon in our society.
It is common to hear people curse grief, blame themselves for the grief, and hide it like a dirty, dark secret when they are around another human.
If you have ever met with me, you know about grief. This guide is for you. I made it for you to use outside of session whenever you need it. It will go over the basics and I will provide some grieving techniques. Use it after a particularly hard session, when a part of you is asking to grieve, or when you know it’s been a while since you allowed your system to grieve.
The Basics
If you ask any of the best dictionaries what grief is, they will say it’s “deep sorrow” or “annoyance”. If you ask them what “to grieve” means they will use words like “suffer” and “distress”. To me, all of these words hint at helplessness. It’s as if we can do nothing but hide the best we can from grief and, heaven forbid, if it falls into our laps, we are goners.
In the past, this is how grief felt to me. If I ever did experience grief, I was told to still smile and give my grief to a religious figure to hold. I was confused when this didn’t work. Then it hit me….something must be wrong with me or my faith.
Let me be the first to tell you: nothing is wrong with you! What is wrong is the information you have about grief. Let’s discuss the basics and remember what grief truly is.
Grief (noun): an emotion our minds and bodies hold and process after transitions, losses, epiphanies, and changes.
Grieve (verb): the act of holding and processing grief in our mind, our body, or both
FAQs
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Under society’s definition of grief, this is the golden question! We don’t want to suffer with this annoyance. However, when we think of grief as a cleanser, something that keeps our emotions unclogged and our lives moving forward, we might be wondering how we can grieve more effectively. Find the Grief Practice below for a guided practice on how to grieve.
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Experts have pronounced the first two years of grief as “early grief”. How long will grief stay after the first two years? Just like trauma, grief will be a part of our story. Where there is hope is that we can dull the sharpness of grief and not be led by it. In time, the grief you experienced will become softer and maybe even become a soothing part of your journey. The more you intentionally grieve, the more grief will soften. Scroll down to find the Grief Practice to help get you started.
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Your mind and body already know what to do! We were wired to grieve just like our ancestors. To grieve, be intentional as you focus on the grief. Remember to take small bites and set it aside when you are full. You do not have to eat the entire elephant nor should you. Scroll down to find the Grief Practice.
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There are a ton! Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was one of the first known grief experts. David Kessler worked with her and continues to talk about grief stages and grief education. He has a free podcast on Spotify called Healing that I highly recommend. Paul Denniston has taken grief into yoga and provides free resources for grief. One of my personal favorite experts is Claire Bidwell Smith who discusses how anxiety fits into grief. Find all of these resources on my Resources for Menopause page.
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This is truly the golden question because what on earth are we supposed to do when people pull away, abandon, or critique us when we are grieving?! This is not natural and your mind and body know this. In the glorious ancient times, grieving had rituals that the whole group participated in. Whether it was wailing together, dancing together, or sharing stories and painting pictures together, grief is a collective experience. In modern times, some collective cultures (Indigenous tribes in North America, Oceania, and more) grieve as a group. There is nothing you can do about the people in your life that will judge you or pull away. Find the healers! Find the people that will grieve with you and give you space to grieve the way you need to grieve.
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When we grieve in healthy ways, we are connected to our bodies, our minds, and our loss. There is nothing problematic about that. Society tends to keep grief in hospitals, churches, and other hidden places. When we bring grief in the open, we are pushing against modern rules that we never wrote. We are pushing against the problem. Find people who will help you grieve and not shame you in grief. When we feel ostracized for our grief, the grief deepens.
Grief Practice
Just like IFS, grief has become a spiritual practice for me. I drink from my grief almost daily. When I make it a ritual like this, I am in charge of my grief so that it doesn’t have to charge at me when I’m most vulnerable (like when I’m about to go to bed!).
Transcript for viewers with eye sensitivities:
Find a physical container in your home - whatever container speaks to you (vase, cup, pot, etc.) Fill it with your grief (metaphorically). Put the container in a place you can see it everyday. Once a day, week, or month (however often your inner world needs grief) intentionally sit down with your container and drink from it. Once you feel “full", set it aside until next time. End with movement by Paul Denniston to unclog any emotion and transform your grief into action.
Services Offered with Katherine Linscott, LMFT
Are you a mother heading toward an empty nest? Are you already in an empty nest and figuring out new dynamics with your adult children? Therapy with Katherine Linscott, LMFT can help you work toward finding your identity and purpose outside of caregiving. I provide Grief Therapy for those experiencing perimenopause, distance from partner or children, and loss of Self. I also provide Therapy for Women for women 45+ who struggle with purpose, burnout, perimenopause, and stress of feeling unappreciated. For more about me, check out my About Page, Blog, or Homepage.